Big girls don’t cry…
I have had to be a big brave girl this week and explain to someone why I can no longer be friends with them. It was a conversation that had to happen in order for me to completely be able to move on with my life and not let them hold me back.
I have had to make some difficult decisions before with so called ‘friends’ but usually, I have taken the cowards way out and not explained the full reason why I can’t or won’t talk to them again or be around them. I have gone to all lengths to avoid bumping into them and have just wiped them from my brain as much as possible. (I know healthy, right?)
But this one was different…this one was a man who was one of my closest friends at a point when I needed all the love and support I could get. He was also someone I stupidly fell in love with and it took me nearly a year to work out that he was taking full advantage of my feelings for him and I wasn’t getting a lot in return. He lived miles away and I was always doing the trips along the motorway, I always heard from him when things were going wrong and he needed a shoulder to cry on but when things were going well in his life I wasn’t his first port of call. He was recently separated as well so we had a lot in common but the support given to each other was definitely not evenly distributed.
My eyes were finally opened in my week of hell as I realised (whilst crying down the motorway after a visit to him) that friends don’t treat each other like he had treated me. I felt naive, used and like a teenager. He had made the most of my feelings towards him, which many times he said were reciprocated, but then when things came to the crunch he didn’t want to man up and be there for me. Over that next week he just confirmed his knobhead-ness with a string of actions which showed he didn’t give a shit about my feelings at all. So I stopped talking to him.
I thought I’d got away with it and that would be that. We lived miles away from one another and wouldn’t bump into each other and he didn’t try and contact me so I got on with life and started to mend my heart and move on. Until now.
He wanted to know why I still wasn’t talking to him. He wanted to know why we couldn’t be friends. He wanted to know that I was ok and “how was Charlotte?” so I had to explain. In clear words, I had to explain why we couldn’t be friends anymore. Why I needed to move on and why he wasn’t a healthy part of my life. So I have. He wanted more explanations and had his own version of events but in the end I feel how I feel and that’s not going to change. The past month where we haven’t spoken and I’ve hardly thought if him have been good. I have managed to get back to focusing on me and my daughter and have even opened my life back up to actually meeting someone special who WANTS to be in my life. I know I will miss him at times but I value myself way more than to let myself be swept along by someone else who may not be sweeping me in the right direction. I deserve to be swept off my feet instead. A hard conversation to have but I’m very glad I’ve been brave enough to do it. At 30 I may finally have grown some balls! About time!