A good hiding spot.
Sorry for yet another long pause. I’ve been pondering a lot recently but unsure whether to write any of it down. My thoughts are mainly that I desperately wish I could be one of those people who could just be really happy being on their own. I know people who genuinely are and it’s definitely something I need to work on. Don’t get me wrong, I love my alone time. Being able to do stuff my way, in my own time, but I do also love my cuddles and snuggles and conversations and I really don’t have that at the moment. I haven’t had that for any period of time worth noting for over two years now. I didn’t have it in the last months/years with my ex and I’ve not yet seemed to have come across someone who wants those things too and to be brutally honest and sound a bit like a wet blanket, it’s getting a bit lonely.
I have however, since day one, seemed to have come across a raft of men (I wish they were in a raft so I could push them all out to sea) who just don’t know what it is they want, or they do and when they get it, off they go.
The reason for another bout of despondency is that, yet again, I was led to believe I’d found a nice guy. I’ve actually known this one a while and all actions prior to any sort of romantic links suggested ‘decent’ guy. Even after romantic links had formed he was still playing the game but…unluckily for me it did just all seem to be a game. The game where they respond to text messages days late, they read messages but don’t reply and when they do they give you a line that makes you give them the benefit of the doubt because you’re too nice. But that never works. I hate that in this day and age you can’t just talk to someone. You have to text, whatsapp or Facebook message them which makes an ideal hiding spot for all these cowardly men. I also hate that I have been known to check time stamps and the like to just make sure they are definitely ignoring me.
So, I feel sad that I am now having to make a conscious decision to not take people as they first may seem because my optimistic heart is getting a bit battered and bruised because of it. I had given up on actively finding someone who might be ‘the one’ a while ago now as that was getting me nowhere but this one came along anyway and as I thought it was someone I could trust, I went with it and was excited at what it could bring, but here I am again licking my wounds and feeling sorry for myself.
Another nail in the ‘love is great’ coffin was when I also become party to some news recently that makes me question whether any guys (even the married ones) are trustworthy and it just dampens my spirit further.
I don’t know if it’s the change of seasons alongside this horrible feeling of distrust, but hibernating sounds like a very good idea right now. I’m hoping it’s a temporary feeling but that’s the optimism talking. Better tell her to shhh for a bit.