Back to work.
I keep starting posts about my hilarious dates that I have been on over the holidays but my timing is crap and at the moment I am seriously contemplating having to go back to work full time which takes away the flippancy of a date or two. This was a New Years decision I was hoping I wouldn’t have to make but I do and it seems like the only way for me to stay above the water at the moment…all be it still probably paddling furiously underneath!
Another massive decision that goes along with this is having to put Charlotte in nursery full time. This one hurts my heart so much more than me having to go back full time. When I was dreaming about having children I wanted to be a stay at home mum, when I had Charlotte I knew that wasn’t going to be financially possible but I changed my hours, worked full time hours in four days and had a husband that, when in work could easily have Mondays and Tuesdays off leaving just two days to cover with nursery. When not in work he still only looked after her for the two days but that’s neither here nor there anymore. Once my marriage went down the pan and he decided that he wanted a 9-5 job the routine changed again. I could no longer do my full time hours in four days with nursery pick ups and drop offs all being my responsibility (ex lives about 45 mins away) so I changed to part time over the four days, put Charlotte in nursery one extra day and begged (something I am awful at doing) my parents to have her for a day to keep my costs down (ish). This worked for a little bit but having now done that for six months I am drowning and my overdraft is getting bigger and bigger with not much more stretch.
My parents have now decided they would like to live further down south so that’s one days nursery added and with the discount I would get for five days nursery seems like the best decision financially which also means I can go back to full time again. The fact I don’t want to doesn’t really factor in unfortunately.
So my idyllic ideals and my realistic vision are somewhat different and it still hurts a bit to realise that. I love my Fridays with Charlotte. I love my Fridays catching up with my mummy friends. I love the opportunity to make the most if my ‘long weekends’ but it’s about survival at the moment and the mummy bear instincts have kicked in so I will just have to leave her with some amazing, trusted other bears for a bit longer whilst I go out to forage for food and some bigger, more appropriate shelter and the weekends I have with Charlotte will have to be jam packed with fun times to make sure she still knows I love her and she is my top priority.