In the red.
So my interview was yesterday and I think it went fairly well. I don’t know what that means or how I feel about it but one thing that is luring me into hoping I get it is the money. I looked at my bank balance today and despite upping my overdraft one last time and being careful with every penny, I am up to the hilt again. I even had to borrow petrol money off my parents to get down to the interview and back without conking out somewhere on the A46. Now that’s just ridiculous, I have the tiniest car, it’s not like a full tank is £90 or anything!!
I haven’t splurged on Christmas, I haven’t been out for meals or coffees but I’m skint. Totally, utterly skint. I was looking through my inordinate amount of direct debits going out each month and the only luxury on there was my Netflix subscription, something I am not willing to forgo and something that has seen me through many a lonely night. (Magic Mike was quite good for that – if you haven’t seen it and are feeling a bit low, I would recommend it…two words – Channing Tatum) but I can’t work out what else I can cut. I am already on a tight food and petrol budget. We have only done one festive thing this December because everything else just costs so much. I don’t do takeaways, I don’t do clothes shopping unless necessary and Charlotte demands have been answered with ‘we’ll have to ask Father Christmas’, I don’t even do dates anymore so no costly preparation needed for those!
I have got Charlotte a present and some stocking bits, I have got half of my brothers secret Santa present (my idea to try and keep costs down) but friends, grandparents, colleagues…forget it. I have already received two presents and felt awful for being in no position to return the favour. One of these lovely people still holds an IOU from her birthday in November! Thinking about a special outfit for Christmas Day will stop at that…just thinking…and once again I will be celebrating the day in scruffy jeans and top rather than a lovely new dress or maybe a new pair of boots I’ve bought myself. At 30 I still can’t afford these things and it’s really getting me down. I’m constantly worried about what my bank balance looks like and am waiting for the next lot of money to go in so I can do the food shop. My life was never supposed to be like this and I feel like a failure. Work was collecting food for a local food bank this year and on the outside I made funny quipps about needing to be receiving rather than giving but secretly I wondered if I would be eligible. My freezer is full and I have enough random dry goods to start pantries all over though so I’ll just have to get creative in the coming weeks I think. Lentils anyone?
I know that money is not the only thing in life and it can’t make you happy but having a bit more would sure make it a lot easier and then my brain could focus on all the other things I should be worrying about instead of it keep coming back to that subject at 2am when I could really do with being asleep. So I’m sort of keeping my fingers crossed now, despite what that would mean…
I shall let you know what happens.