Two weeks ago I started writing a post about how my positive parenting was going down hill as Charlotte has decided to not go to sleep till 10pm at the latest. But since then, even with sleep deprivation taking its toll, I managed to fill in an application form which involved 7×250 words giving examples of when I could ‘Deliver at Pace’, when I have ‘Collaborated and Partnered’ and all the other hoops you have to jump through to complete the civil service competency application. I managed to complete a 30 minute, 14 question ‘situation’ test whilst Charlotte was wide awake and more interested on playing on her princess games on the iPad than mummy completing a “very important test”. I managed to get these in both on time and even managed to complete the test better than 82% of people who had taken it before. Not bad!
Yesterday I heard I got an interview. I was ecstatic! This is amazing as I have never managed to get this far in the joyful civil service process. Getting through the sift was proving a massive issue for me. This means I can do it and it is a job that would be a promotion in a field I’m interested in and, dare I say…good at? It would be a lot more money which I/we desperately need to stay afloat so why do I also feel a knot in my chest?
…because it would involve relocating.
It is based in Bristol. That is about 90 miles from me or roughly 1.5hours. Not far but definitely not commutable on a daily basis when you add in nursery pick ups and drop offs in anyway.
Whilst applying I justified it by saying lots of my family live down there (true) and it’d be nice to be near them (also true) but as time has gone on I am realising that, although it would mean being closer to my family and my oldest and best friend, it would mean being away from my day to day, ‘on the frontline’ friends. My friends who, over the past couple of years, have kept me going in so many ways. They have been there exactly when and how I have needed them. They have supported me and Charlotte emotionally and physically and I think (and hope) in turn I have supported them through good and bad times. I am not saying I’m the best friend, I forget to reply to text messages, I never invite friends over because my house is always such a mess, I sometimes forget birthdays but I hope, when it comes to the crunch and the hard talks, they know that I am there for them. But if I move to Bristol I won’t be and that leaves a huge lump in my throat.
Yes, I desperately need the money. Yes, sometimes I think a ‘new start’ is exactly what I want to get out of the rut I feel I’m in but…am I bold and brave enough and do I want to leave that massive support system and drive 90 miles away from it? Being a single mum is hard, being a working mum is hard and at the end of the week I live for time with my daughter and time with my friends who empathise, make me laugh hysterically, hug, pour tea (or G&Ts) and cut cake. Although I love my family dearly they can’t or don’t do that.
The interview is Wednesday and so is Charlottes nursery nativity. I hope to be able to do both but if the interview goes well I may be in floods of tears for a different reason when she’s singing away in the manger with her best friend and with her amazing key worker. Could I bring myself to pull her away from somewhere she loves so much and somewhere that helped me through my period of PND by looking after her so well? Who knows…I’m guessing I’ll just have to see what happens. I’ll keep you posted but in the mean time I’ll bear this in mind…